


When the Healers must Heal

by Kam14



Series: Love & Loss [19]
Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Babies, F/M, Family, Healing, Postnatal depression, psychiatrist, recovering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:34:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29901168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kam14/pseuds/Kam14
Summary: Susan seeks help because of the unexpected difficulty she encounters when trying to bond with her newborn son, Cosmo.
Relationships: Susan Lewis/Chuck Martin
Series: Love & Loss [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033827
Kudos: 3





	When the Healers must Heal

“So?”

“So?”, I repeat, knowing exactly what the psychologist, Dr. Appleby, sitting in front of me wants me to open up about. I can’t seem to bring myself to talk about it, though, which is ridiculous considering that I’m paying the woman a _very_ decent sum to _listen_ to my problems.

“How has Cosmo been this week? Keeping you up at night? I know mind did when they were babie…”, the older, brunette psychologist began before I found myself—albeit unintentionally, cutting her off.

“No”, I began, “I’ve been sleeping fine, actually…He’s been keeping Chuck up until all hours though”, I admit, “Chuck has been the stay-at-home _dad_ and I’ve taken extra hours at work. I was promoted…well, initially I turned the job down when I was still pregnant with Cosmo and was offered a promotion but then I…I volunteered myself for the job a month or so after Cosmo had been born”.

“After Cosmo _had been born_?”, Dr. Appleby questioned.

I wasn’t quite sure what it was that she was asking, so I considered my response carefully. I shouldn’t have had to think this hard but, somehow, I felt that I _did_ have to. My first response was one of defensiveness…defensiveness of my choice to return to working _even longer_ hours than I had been before Cosmo’s birth. This was something that, in all honesty, brought me immense guilt. The day that I had made my way up to Kerry’s office and blurted out as if in desperation that I wanted* (*read: needed) to be considered for the position of new Chief of the ER. She had seemed shocked that I had wanted to take that responsibility upon myself so soon after finishing my (short) maternity leave but, to my relief, had hired me right on the spot. That was something that had surprised me about Kerry once she had become Chief of Staff; she had developed a system of making snap-dash decisions with ease, dissimilar to the way in which the likes of Anspaugh had approached his hospital-heading duties.

Deflecting. Again. Okay, gather your thoughts before you answer, Susan. I felt as if I were watching myself be mother to Cosmo and not actually experiencing it. Chuck was experiencing what I had expected to experience. He was besotted with our child and wanted to spend every waking moment with him. Hell, he even wanted to experience what it was like to breastfeed his baby with that god-awful contraption that he strapped to his chest and filled with bottled formula because I didn’t want to do it myself. I didn’t even want to pump. Chuck felt incomplete without Cosmo. And I couldn’t even bring myself to utter the words “after giving birth to Cosmo”, instead opting for “after Cosmo had been born”.

“You have a niece, correct?”, Dr. Appleby questioned, bringing me out of my internal spiral.

“Yes, I do. Suzie. My sister, Chloe’s daughter”, I expanded.

“And you were Suzie’s guardian as an infant for a while whilst Chloe was experiencing some difficulties with drug abuse?”, she continued to probe.

“Yes”, I answered matter-of-factly.

“How were things when you had to step in as Suzie’s guardian? Were you doing that alone or did you have support from a spouse or partner then too?”

“I didn’t really have a choice. Chloe just took off one night with a friend of hers. They had gotten high together and had somehow decided that they would drive off into the distance and make a living off of trading at estate sales. I had Suzie in my arms and she just…drove away. Left me standing there alone with her child. I was single at the time and had no support. I tried to hire a nanny because getting into and out of work on time to pick Suzie up from day-care became a struggle but that was a bust. Still, somehow, I managed. I managed because I had no other choice. I managed because I loved little Suzie with all of my heart…as if she were my own child”.

“And you have another choice now? With Cosmo?”, Appleby questioned after considering what I had told her.

“With Cosmo?”, I asked with a furrowed brow.

“Yes, with Cosmo”, she clarified, “Do you feel like your responsibility to _your_ child is lessened because you can depend on Chuck? Because you know that Cosmo will be okay if you take time away from caring for him?”

I knew the answer was yes.

“Chuck is an amazing father”, I began, “he told me after… _I had given birth to Cosmo…_ that he didn’t know what he would do without him. He said that he would feel, even after only knowing him for mere minutes, like he was incomplete without him; that having Cosmo here with us made him feel whole”.

Appleby nodded. “Did you feel the same way?”

“I did…”, I admitted, “…with Suzie”.

[Two months later]

Chuck had recently arranged to return to work after an extended paternity leave and I had agreed upon a new schedule with Kerry, which would allow me to be at home with Cosmo most of the times that Chuck was on shift. I had just waved him off before he left the house for his first night shift and had settled in the armchair in the corner of the dimly lit living room, a just-bathed Cosmo gurgling and cooing in my arms. Sometimes we would sit like this for hours now…just the two of us, enjoying the stillness. A mere two months ago, even if Cosmo had been right there in my arms, I would have felt totally alone with, and totally lost in, my thoughts had I sat like this for longer than a few minutes. Not now. Not totally. Now, as I sit rocking Cosmo to sleep, watching his eyelids close heavily over his deep, brown eyes, I feel like I’m finding myself again and, more importantly, I feel like I’m finding the bond that I had so desperately needed to find with Cosmo. We’re not totally there yet but we’re on the way. In case you’re wondering, Dr. Appleby had diagnosed me with postnatal depression; something I had diagnosed a number of new mothers who came through the ER with but had never once thought that it was ever a diagnosis that would touch me in the way that it has. I’ll continue with cognitive behavioural therapy until I feel like I wouldn’t be whole without Cosmo. I’ll do that for as long as it takes because I made that promise to him. Sometimes it’s the healers that need healing. And I want to heal…for myself, for my husband, and for my son.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! It's nice to finally resume writing fanfiction after a couple of hectic months away from it. Apologies for the delay in getting this next chapter published and thank you to the best co-writers, Zoë and M, for their patience and support! I always felt like the writers didn't explore Susan's lack of interest in spending time with Cosmo after he was born, bearing in mind how attached she was to little Suzie years earlier. Hopefully I've managed to start exploring that and putting it right!


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